"that's why I came"

5 Thus says God, the Lord,

who created the heavens and stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and what comes from it,

who gives breath to the people on it

and spirit to those who walk in it:

6 "I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness;

I will take you by the hand and keep you;

I will give you as a covenant for the people,

a light for the nations,

7 to open the eyes that are blind,

to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,

from the prison those who sit in darkness.

8 I am the Lord; that is my name;

my glory I give to no other,

nor my praise to carved idols.

9 Behold, the former things have come to pass,

and new things I now declare;

before they spring forth

I tell you of them."

Reading this kind of feels like I'm getting repetitious. Can I really write another post on this prophecy passage? Well first of all, yes, yes I can. Second of all, God brings a lot of things together in my life sometimes. Sundays message kind of interacts with this idea and got me thinking. Also, I have been re-reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and it also impacts this. I love when  that happens. Again I see the same two things. I see the relational tie between Jesus and The Father. It is deep and supernatural and amazing. The second thing I again see is the mission of Jesus. His purpose and his task and his heart are so clearly stated. Then to think that Jesus never deviated from it. He never got distracted. His entire life was spent with the mission on his mind, doing things and speaking things and just living the mission. That makes me think about just how much I suck at staying focused on the mission.

The Sunday message covered the purpose of Jesus. It was from Mark 1. He covered a few miracles of healing and demon removal, but he also touched on verses 35-39.

35 And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed. 36 And Simon and those who were with him searched for him, 37 and they found him and said to him, "Everyone is looking for you." 38 And he said to them, "Let us go on to the next towns, that I may preach there also, for that is why I came out." 39 And he went throughout all Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and casting out demons. 

The first discipline I read about in Foster's book is meditation. As Foster presents it, meditation is relational. He talks about how Jesus frequently took these breaks. He took these times to go be alone with the Father. I've always known I should try to copy this habit, but I've also always felt that Jesus did it, at least in part, because he was God himself. These were like little mission briefings or war room planning sessions. I think that is a faulty view. I can, should, and in truth MUST do exactly what Jesus did. I see both parts of this Isaiah passage in the Mark passage. First, I see the relational side of it. Jesus had just healed a demon in church. That's a wild one. Our pastor presented that it wasn't like the demon came to see Jesus. He just happened to be in the church at the same time Jesus showed up. He probably went every Sabbath. Jesus takes care of him. Then he does a high profile healing of Peter's mother-in-law. Then he heals lots and lots of people. Obviously, this chain of activity causes an uproar in the region. Jesus is a phenom. And he ditches the crowd. To go in silence and spend time with the Father.  The relational connection between Jesus and the Father is beyond comprehension, and yet Scripture not only teaches, but commands me to seek it for myself. Better yet, it promises that it is attainable.

Also there is the mission side. This is all happening in Peters hometown. When in Israel I was at what is believed to be Peter's actual house (well, what was left of it anyway). I bet Peter had no thoughts for anywhere else. Here they are, in his town, wildly popular, doing wonderful things, healing an preaching, and Peter gets to be a part of it, right at the center of it. He is one of Jesus' crew. His house is the command post of the revolution of Jesus! Yet when Jesus goes AWOL and Peter finally finds him to try to get him back "on task", Jesus lets him know that its time to leave. For the sake of the mission. The mission was clear, he needed to preach in more places. "That's why I came out". That was the mission of Jesus. Now I am faced with a horrifying truth. This mission has also been given to every person who claims to be a follower of Jesus. And most of us do little or nothing. This deep relationship with the heart of the Savior is not only offered, but commanded, and most of us rarely seek the face of God. What is wrong with us? What is wring with me? Can we even be true followers if we exhibit none of this? If we desire none of this? These are tough questions. The answers to these questions are of little value though, because there is a more pertinent question that makes the others irrelevant. What is stopping me from stepping up in both of these areas? Nothing. So fix it, dummy.

bruised reeds and dim flames

I guess I really got ahead of myself with that last post. I read through the whole chapter and that "people of the pit" idea really grabbed me. I'm still in Isaiah 42 though. In fact, I'm back in the first few verses. I still am stumbling through the amazement of reading this as prophecy written long before the birth of Christ. I'm also thinking over and over about the relational side of this. Isaiah 42 starts with God introducing the reader prophetically to his son. Then it tells me all about my Savior. 

"1Behold my servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen, in whom my soul delights;

I have put my Spirit upon him; 

he will bring forth justice to the nations.

2He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, 

or make it heard in the street;

3a bruised reed he will not break,

and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; 

he will faithfully bring forth justice,

4He will not grow faint or be discouraged

till he has established justice in the earth;

and the coastlands wait for his law."

Pretty amazing stuff. I really like the first verse but I probably won't spend a ton of time on it. Suffice to say that God says that he "upholds" Jesus, he calls him his "chosen", his soul "delights in him", and he has "put his spirit upon him". This is deep concept. God knows that the death of his son is a part of the plan. He knows that he will turn his back on his son. The relationship between the Son and the Father is intense. And it is also a model of how my relationship with God should look. So God knew that the pain and suffering that he himself would inflict on Jesus was a part of what was best. Therefore this did not affect the agape love that is the basis of the relationship. This is important to understand concerning how we relate to God. He will cause me pain, and he will potentially bring suffering into my path. It is in keeping with Christian terminology to now say something like "but it is always for my good". I don't think we know what we mean when we say that though. It almost communicates that we think that God has our earthly best in mind. It is only when all hope for our earthly best is gone (when someone is killed instantly, or when the last possible medical solution fails) that we switch gears and begin talking about our eternal best. But God is concerned with the advancement of his kingdom and his will, which is our best if you believe in the reality of the gospel. Throughout all that, there is no gap, no break in the flow of agape love for us. That is deep. So this first verse is a unique view into not only the relationship of God to Jesus, but of God to us.

After this really intriguing verse, it moves into a prophetic description of Jesus. I'm presented with a few truths about him. First, "He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice or make it heard in the street;". A little research exposed a truth about my Savior that simply makes me feel like I want to know him more. My Savior is no loudmouthed blowhard. He is subtle. All wisdom is housed in his Spirit, but he's not driving through town with one of those vans with the speakers attached to it. He's sitting quietly, and when you engage him, you learn more than you had ever dreamed. The truly wise people I have known during my life do not run around excitedly shooting off their mouths and acting like a know-it-all, but when they are approached, they are more than willing to help and share their wisdom with you. That trait is so unbelievably attractive to me I really can't describe it, and it is the trait of my Savior.

I'm going to skip the justice part because it's kind of a theme throughout this whole thing, and look right at he part that says "a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench" This is probably the coolest part of my post today. Bruised reeds and faintly burning wicks. What or who are they? Us. People who are hurting, people who are struggling, people with problems. In short, everyone. No one has it all together. No one is self-sufficient. Mankind is messed up. We are people of the pit. Trapped, scared, hurting, lost, powerless, and broken. Jesus did not come to finish us off. He did not come to add more pain and suffering to our already wretched condition. He is here to bring us relief and salvation. This is awesome! He is a tender Savior. He loves us. My immediate thought was that all will not receive him though, and to them he will bring judgment. I was thinking about a lot of my coworkers and the conversations we've had about faith. I realized something. They don't believe they're in the pit. They don't believe that they are bruised reeds or dim flames. They won't admit their need of a Savior. This is sad because it is the only way out. This is my job and my calling. Expose people to their condition and the good news of Jesus.

Lastly, my Savior is committed to the mission. "He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth". A catchphrase at my church is "mission forward". It is intended to be the motivation for all activity. It is designed to keep us focused and oriented to the person of God and the reality of the gospel. If you find yourself busied by something that doesn't impact the kingdom, you've become distracted, so make sure that you are mission oriented and spending your life in the service of God. Mission forward. According to this verse, Jesus stands before us as a perfect example of focus and dedication to the mission. This is deepened when we consider that he knew the whole time what his mission would cost him.

Throughout all this is the concept of justice. To be honest, I don't always understand it. How far do I take it? Some spend their lives fighting for justice for all. Does this mean that? Or does it mean that the world was once just, before it was destroyed in Eden by sin, and that the mission of Jesus was to redeem a piece of that and create a future way for us to live as God intended? What I do know is that justice is in line with the nature of God, and I will strive to do all I can to live as he lived and to do whatever he would have me to do.

This was a relational experience. I learned some really intense, somewhat personal information about my God and my Savior. I need more of this. Head knowledge is not enough. I want to know Jesus this way. I need to know my Savior this way. Thank you God for a glimpse of the character of your Son, written long before he was born.

people of the pit

For the first time I really kind of see the incredible nature of the prophecy of Isaiah. It is wild, if you really think about it, to read about Jesus... In Isaiah. I was at work talking with a fairly anti-Christian coworker and he stated that he had read the Bible through twice. That's more than me by the way. How is it that we can both read it and I see reality and he sees historical fiction? How is it that this connects to my very soul, and the way I see the world and he sees antiquated dust? He says the Bible shows how far mankind has progressed, while I see it showing that mankind is stuck in the same condition as it was then. Such is the prophetic passage I find today. It is about lost Israel, but truthfully it describes the condition of all humanity concerning their hopeless need for a Savior. Isaiah 42:

"21 It pleased the Lord

for the sake of his righteousness

to make his law great and glorious.

22 But this is a people plundered and looted,

all of them trapped in pits

or hidden away in prisons.

They have become plunder,

with no one to rescue them;

they have been made loot,

with no one to say, “Send them back.”

There it is: the human condition. Trapped in a pit, hidden in a prison, the booty of an evil cosmic pirate. When I'm out in the world working, looking for a better job, building a house, grocery shopping, searching craigslist for a good used refrigerator etc... it's easy to forget that this little verse is the simple reality of everything I see. Back in Norwich, some people crudely referred to the town as Norhole. Maybe they were right. It can't just be that one town, though, it's every town, every city, every country, every square foot of ground you can place your feet. It's all a part of the "pit". It's just another cell in the prison where we're all hidden. I like how it follows verse 21. God made a beautiful glorious way to live. It pleased him. It was perfect. But ... we are people wholly incapable of even breathing the air up there. We are people of the pit. And we'll die here.

Know that. Understand that. Believe that. Fully. Then go out and decide how you will live your life. Decide how you will view the world. Decide how you will relate to the people you meet each day. Decide what you will value. Spend your energy in the light of this reality. I have known this so long. It's shameful. If my life doesn't revolve around this reality, then I am an ungrateful scumbag. To have once been a permanent resident of the pit, without hope of freedom, and then to be recued must change you. How can you find value in the pit any longer? How can you see the hopelessness, know the solution, and do nothing? How can you continue to live the same way and seek the same things as the people of the pit?

When I was trying to start a college age ministry (unsuccessfully) I came up with the term "guilty victims" to describe the relationship of that age group with the church. Maybe they had been ignored. Maybe they were raised in a legalistic environment. Maybe they had received a skewed view of the faith. Maybe they were victims. But they were also guilty. Because the truth is still there for the taking. Step up. Seek it for yourself. Stop living like the hopeless people of the pit. Stop trying to blame your dislike for God and your love of self on the way you were raised. This verse actually describes everyone. The way of truth is not hidden, at least not in this area of the world. You can find a Bible in every thrift store in the county. People of the pit are guilty victims. Yes, they have been plundered and looted. Sure they have been imprisoned in this pit. But the way out is clear. Redemption is free and readily available. So there it is. The gospel and the reality of the world in the book of Isaiah, written long before the arrival of Jesus. Amazing, and yet it barely draws a rise from anyone anymore. How has the gospel been declawed in this way? How will I live life understanding the reality of my condition, the hopelessness of the lost, and the pit that is my world?

the woods

This post is a combination of church Sunday and what I have been reading in Isaiah. I've been in Isaiah 41, and church on Sunday concerned Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. It was nice that before the message got going the pastor basically said "ok, the lesson everyone gives on this is that we should use scripture to combat temptation, and that's true, but there's more here than that so we're not going to go there." I like that. As I grew up it seemed that each and every passage had an attached application. You didn't deviate from that, you stored the head knowledge, checked it off the list, memorized it if you were extra special, and you moved on. I like that this wasn't enough here.

I read this at the end of Isaiah 41:

"21 Set forth your case, says the Lord;

bring your proofs, says the King of Jacob.

22 Let them bring them, and tell us

what is to happen.

Tell us the former things, what they are,

that we may consider them,

that we may know their outcome;

or declare to us the things to come.

23 Tell us what is to come hereafter,

that we may know that you are gods;

do good, or do harm,

that we may be dismayed and terrified.

Or that we may both be dismayed and see

24 Behold, you are nothing,

and your work is less than nothing;

an abomination is he who chooses you."

I immediately began to look at myself. I have doubts about myself. Am I letting go of the kingdom purpose that drew me here and making my life about myself and my desires instead of serving God? So this was a good time. I asked this question: "If I have an idol to challenge with these words that God challenged literal idols with here, what is it?" Have I replaced God with something? It was an honest question. When I thought I was going to land a high end job, For a time I caved in to materialism and earthly models of success. In my mind I was buying Jeeps (multiple ones), garages, barns, building cabins, fencing land, buying cattle, building pavilions and running water and electric to them... I was spending my imaginary money with incredible passion, and little thought for the kingdom. Those days are past though. That job didn't happen. Every good job I applied for didn't happen. Instead I have a job that if we're incredibly tight, will just meet our needs. I'm not complaining. I'm happy. But suffice to say that materialism won't be an issue anytime soon. All that to state that I was honestly wondering. My thought process basically said, "You're not seeking material things anymore, but I also don't feel like my passion is on the kingdom, so where is it?" The answer seemed a little strange at first, but now makes a ton of sense. The earth. Literally. Dirt. Trees. Fields. A pond. Deer and turkeys. Trails. Fire pits. Hunting spots. Camping spots. Etc...

I was thinking all this as I read and reread this passage. Verse 23 snagged me and laid the whole issue bare. "Do good, or do harm". This is a challenge issued to an idol. The assumption is that a chunk of formed stone or wood is incapable of doing good or bad. It just sits there. But as I read it the idea of the woods and the land that I reside on now as an idol sprang up at this challenge. Immediately I thought: "But that IS good". Bang. I saw myself laid bare in an instant. I admitted that in my mind the great outdoors have value, even goodness, apart from God. I immediately thought it was good. I immediately thought that it passed God's idol test. 

I believe my love for hunting and hiking and camping and rafting and basically everything else I do is God-given. I know he wired me that way. But none of that is good. It's all part of a broken system. Within this broken system God has by his grace placed me to advance his kingdom. I am his emissary. So all that cool stuff I love is a means of which I have natural talents and abilities to serve that purpose. Doing that ... is GOOD. But I fall into the dark trap of idolatry if I think that these things have positive value without the presence of God. In his hand and for his purpose, they are an awesome and powerful tool, one that I think needs to be wielded to reintroduce a generation of people to the reality of God. However, as a alternative source of joy, they are a miserable substitute. What a trap. As I stewed through this, the sermon began and the message was about the temptation of Jesus. Our pastor is focusing on Jesus' desire to identify with us in our temptation. With that in mind I launched into Luke 4 with the sermon:

"5 And the devil took him up and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, 6 and said to him, "To you I will give all this authority and their glory, for it has been delivered to me, and I give it to whom I will. 7 If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours."

Now I know it's not exact, but for the first time I saw this and it made sense. Personal sense. I never saw the temptations of Jesus and meaning much to me. I've never been tempted to turn stones into food (it's a darn good thing I can't). I've never been tempted to jump off a cliff to see if angels catch me. And I never really identified with this one from verses 5-7 either. I didn't understand how this temptation linked me to Jesus. But as I read this I understood a little. Now I know it's not exact. I know Satan wasn't offering Jesus the Ponderosa here, and I know that I'm probably in danger of reading too much into this that isn't there. But I felt like maybe, just maybe, Jesus really did understand what it was like to have the same feelings and temptations as me. 

God I don't know what all this means, but I do know that there is only one good thing worth living for. Help me to keep that front and center.

my rights

Isaiah 40:27

"27  Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?

 I simply love the ESV translation here! My first thought was "who would have the guts to say that to God!?!? My second thought was "I've felt that way, and if I've felt that way then God has known I have felt that way, so in a sense, I said these things to God. On at least one occasion it was more like I screamed these things at God. "My right is disregarded by my God". What a horrid and amazing statement. It is like one of those scenes in a movie where some poor unknowing simpleton innocently utters some terrifying insult in the presence of some great and powerful ruler and everyone in the room gasps in shock. Who would say such a thing?

As I read this I was expecting a Job moment. I was expecting a royal chewout from God. One of those "I made you, I made everything, I run everything, how dare you question me" type rants. I was expecting a divine explosion. Instead I read this:

"28  Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29  He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30  Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31  but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."

Oh, ok, so that's where that famous passage is. As usual, I had heard those words a hundred thousand times, but those angry accusing words that came right before them... never. I guess you couldn't fit all those verses on Tim Tebow's face anyway. But these two together are so important to me now.  God doesn't always just scream "How dare you! Don't you know who I am?!?" at us, even though that would be just. Sometimes he communicates the same thing, but in a kind way: "Come one, don't you know who I am? Don't you see what is being held out to you? You think I don't see you? You think I deny you your rights? Wake up! I'm the one waiting for you to stop ignoring me! Here's a look at what you're missing out on by being an idiot." There's always a catch. This isn't God's promise to strengthen me so I can get what I want. It is for those who "wait upon the Lord". I'm not even sure what that means. All my study tools are buried in a storage unit somewhere and I miss them a lot. I did find an online lexicon though:

1) to wait, look for, hope, expect

    a) (Qal) waiting (participle)

    b) (Piel)

         1) to wait or look eagerly for

         2) to lie in wait for

         3) to wait for, linger for

New day, same basic application. No qualifying my answer, no excuses, no explanations, just a simple yes or a no. Do those words describe my relationship with God today? This is the door that must be worn down in my heart. Until I can yell yes from my heart with no hesitation I will be less than what he is calling me to be.

back to Isaiah

Well, II Timothy basically wrapped itself up and now I have need to look elsewhere. I remembered that I hadn't finished Isaiah so I decided to take a peek at it to see if I wanted to return. Isaiah 40 was a good read. More importantly I found myself emotionally engaged while reading it. I identified with parts, I reacted negatively, even bordering on challenging God in a couple parts, and I wondered (this is the most important emotion) at my God. I found myself confused by him and I found myself wanting to know him better so that I could understand a chapter like this one.

I like theater and so I am going to go off on a longish analogy here for a second. For me, I think that God has seemed to be a bit like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables. Specifically I mean how he related to Fontaine at the beginning of the story. He is a big important man. He is the mayor, in addition to running a factory. There is a moment where he is there for a fight between a Fontaine and another worker. Valjean leaves the issue to be solved by a subordinate and Fontaine ends up being unjustly fired from her job which sends her into a horrible downward spiral where she finally ends up as a prostitute and then eventually dies from exposure. Valjean reconnects with her toward the end and takes compassion on her. She initially hates him, thinking that it is his fault she has been forced down this path. Once he finds out about her though, he does all he can to take care of her. He loves her. In my own messed up mind I have put God into this sort of place because it allows him to be good and loving, yet not aware of my problems. My job is to somehow find the ear of God. He is distant, he'd help me if he knew what was going on. The truth lies so near the surface it can't be hidden though, and those who read this must by now be getting tired of being a spectator as I learn the same lesson over and over. I could translate my impression of God simply as this: If he knew about where I was and genuinely loved me, he would give me the earthly comfort I desire. Such garbage. When will I begin to live what I have been learning?

This has all come to mind because of Isaiah 40. The picture of God there at first seems contradicting. I read about how God loves, he rescues, he comforts. Then I also read that man is just grass, it withers in a day and is gone. Here are some examples:

"1  Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 2  Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins."

15  Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales; behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust. 16  Lebanon would not suffice for fuel, nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering. 17  All the nations are as nothing before him, they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness."

11  He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

22  It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; 23  who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness. 24  Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth, when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble. 

It seems in some way to be contradictory. Am I a lamb that will be tenderly cared for or a grasshopper that will be annihilated without a second thought? A son, or a "drop from a bucket"? The truth I think lies in the reality of relationship with God. "The Lord knows those who are his." This is what I must live out. This is the truth I must adapt to. If I want to be treated as a son, I must look on him, seek him as a Father. If God has seemed at a distance then I have put him there. My heart is coming to know and understand that a real relationship where I serve my God unquestioningly will result in the death of my will and my planning. I am scared of that. I am resisting that. I desperately want to serve God on my own terms. My first thought as I wrote that was "Basically everyone else gets to!) I cannot use such methods to measure myself. I don't know the hearts of others and even if I were right the truth is that I will stand in the end before God and I doubt that such an excuse would be worth the breath used to utter it. 

I know this God. He is my Savior. He is constantly calling me to a life worth living. He is offering Purpose and Joy. Peace and Contentment. Hope and Love. Regardless of my physical state. In my mind the solutions are earthly. A high end job offer, a check in the mail, a gas well in my back yard. Those are not the solutions of God. They would provide only earthly comfort. They are empty and expose that my heart is still set on self. The truth is that I must desire HIS best. And I must desire to advance HIS kingdom. This is an incredible life change. God is not a distant power unaware of me. I cannot say "if God knew" or "if God understood", because he does. I must change, not God. I must come to know Him. I must come to understand the ramifications of the truth. My life must seek his best. I must become a part of "the Way". For this change is THE CHANGE that made their "way" of living in the early church so different. I am not truly a part of "The Way" at present. At best I am a part of "the belief system". "The Way" sounds better. God continue to soften my heart and bend it to yours.

one big word

Reality is many things. Reality is that I am not going to post much during this season of my life. Reality is that this is for a lot of reasons. Reality is that they are not all legitimate reasons. Reality is that I spend a huge amount of time up at my house working on it. This leaves little time for family and such. Reality is that with my wife teaching she has been using my computer most nights, meaning I cannot post then. Reality is that when I do try to post the pathetically slow rural internet connection can take literally hours to publish, and sometimes not at all or only after repeatedly losing what I have written. Reality is that I likely will never again hold a job where I can spend hours each workday reading and studying my Bible and posting about it. Reality. Reality is also that I am not reading my Bible as much as I need to. Reality is also that I have an ongoing struggle with contentment, sovereignty, prayer, life purpose and a host of other spiritual issues. Reality is many things. Reality though is that God is good.

In Sunday School this past week I had my iPad so I could use the Strong's Concordance app to look up words during church. This may or may not be a good thing. This verse was one that was being discussed:

1 John 3

"19 By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; 20 for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. 21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; 22 and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. 23 And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. 24 Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us."

The focus of the lesson was on prayer, but I was seriously hung up on this word translated "confidence". It is translated in different ways in different places in the Bible, and in truth it is used in a lot of different ways. I like words like this when I find them. It means that this is a big word. English doesn't have many words like this. There are four main words that this one can be translated. Confident, Bold, Plain, and  Open. This is a great word. I want to put an example of each one so I can remember how God uses this word in the Bible:

Acts 28:31: "Preaching the kingdom of God, and teaching those things which concern the Lord Jesus Christ, with all confidence, no man forbidding him."

Ephesians 3:12: "In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him."

John 16:25: "These things have I spoken unto you in proverbs: but the time cometh, when I shall no more speak unto you in proverbs, but I shall shew you plainly of the Father."

John 11:54: "Jesus therefore walked no more openly among the Jews; but went thence unto a country near to the wilderness, into a city called Ephraim, and there continued with his disciples."

The hard thing for my monolingual English bred brain to realize is that it is not that this one Greek word can mean four different things. It is that this one Greek word carries one idea that encompasses all four and means them all concurrently. Now that is cool. This is more than a word, it is a state of being. What would it mean to be confident, bold, open, and plain at all times? It would mean to be real. Churchmen use the word "authentic". To know who we are, to be unashamed of it, to not hide it behind an entire vocabulary of of overused cliches and to live that reality openly before the world. That is what this word means. To be real. To make truth your reality.

Historically I have found little of this word in the church as I have known it. I have found only a little of it in myself, and that only recently, and now in the last two months, when pulled from my safe culture, has what small measure I had of it faded? The key phrase is found in the 1 John passage. It says that I will have this word... if my heart doesn't condemn me. My heart. I know from so many past studies what is meant by the heart. It is my innermost part. The part that makes me "me". The seat of the emotions and thoughts. My person. My very identity. If that part doesn't condemn me, then this is a word that will describe my existence. What a challenge. It is hard and to a degree judgmental to state that I believe that the vast majority of those who claim the name of Christ lack this word because they are condemned by an exposition of their hearts. They are about themselves. Whether they serve legalism or materialism, whether they are chained to their hedonistic lust or their ascetic pride, they stand condemned by the fact that their heart is not in line with the heart of the Creator whom they claim to serve. A term I have heard before is "token fealty". Does it describe the average churchgoer? Does it describe me?

Really this is what I have been going over with that "okay" post from a few weeks ago. I could have posted again on it. Since that time I have read lots more of the Word and all I see is men and women who measure happiness and grief, pain and pleasure, success and failure, safety and danger and so much more by the impact it will have on the next world not this one. It is a hard thing to study and leasure yourself against. Paul, on death row, states this:

 "17 But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom" (1 Tim. 4)

What was victory? People heard the gospel. What is rescue and safety? His heavenly kingdom. Death row didn't factor into it. It had no bearing; carried no weight. Because Paul's heart didn't condemn him. It exposed that his entire being, all that he ever would be, was wrapped up in the purpose and glory of God. In fact those were his next words:

"To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen."

After a TINY amount of trial and testing (compared to what so many have gone through and go through now in many places), I am unsatisfied with the condition of my heart. I cannot compare myself to other Christians any longer. If the kid in the desk next to me got a 40 on his test, it doesn't make my 52 look any better. I must ask questions like "What scares me?", "What makes me happy?", What would I need to be content?", or "What would it take for me to die ... confident ... bold ... openly and plainly"? Until the answers to these questions are conformed to the person and will of God, I will remain where I am too much of the time. Doubting, intimidated, anxious, guarded, and private.