"ok"

This is one of the top 5 hardest posts I've had to write. The purpose of this space is to record what I learn. Changes that need to  be made in my life are spiritual. If they aren't made, they affect me spiritually. They are things that I am constantly learning and relearning, and changes can come fast or slow. Those changes in belief and mindset may or may not effect a change in my day to day life. If they do effect a change, it may happen quickly or slowly, depending on the change itself. I write all this because I do not in any way want to render what I have written in the past as less real and powerful than it was. It was Biblical truth then, and it still is now. They were things I needed to learn, things God intended me to learn, and things that I am different, closer to him, for learning. But to a degree they were learned in a classroom, free of consequences largely. The classroom is a good place to learn, but I am no longer there. If anything, what is going on in my life is now driving what I need to learn Biblically.

In short, I am struggling in life. I moved and assumed I would have employment within a few weeks, maybe a month at most. It has now been 2 months. Savings are drying up and things are getting harder. Throughout this I have believed (and been encouraged by a ton of friends and family) that I will be "ok". My family will be "ok". "God will provide". But the struggle, in the everyday reality of life as well as 2 Timothy, is how one defines "ok". What exactly does God promise? My final Sunday School class at Calvary was about this and so that has influenced me quite a bit as well. I know what I want him to promise. I want him to promise financial security. I will stress that I don't want him to promise wealth. That isn't the plan. I just want enough food to be safe and comfortable. I want enough money to be able to pay the mortgage when it starts and the rest of the tab for the house and the utilities and the heat and the credit card and the cell phone and so on and so on. I don't need new cars, I'm happy with the ones we have. I don't need more toys, better clothes, cooler electronics or things like that. That sounds like contentment, doesn't it? That's what I thought. A verse even came to mind, one I even wrote about not long ago:

"6 Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment,7 for we brought nothing into the world, andwe cannot take anything out of the world.8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."

Could this be interpreted as a promise that we will always have food and clothing? I don't see how. What about the martyrs? What about people who starved to death, whether for their faith, or just for lack of resources? So many true believers have suffered in so many ways. Another verse comes to mind, one that has always intrigued me. These are the very words of Jesus, spoken to his followers while he was still on the earth:

"12 But before all this they will lay their hands on you and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors for my name's sake.13 This will be your opportunity to bear witness.14 Settle it therefore in your minds not to meditate beforehand how to answer,15 for I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which none of your adversaries will be able to withstand or contradict.16 You will be delivered up even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and some of you they will put to death.17 You will be hated by all for my name's sake.18 But not a hair of your head will perish.19 By your endurance you will gain your lives."

The combination of verses 16 and 18 has always been a wild section. Sometimes there may be apparent contradictions between different places in Scripture. I believe that there are no contradictions in reality but in many places it can appear there are. In this single passage however, just a sentence apart, we see that "some of you they will put to death", and also that "not a hair of your head will perish". How is this possible? How can one be put to death, yet have not a hair of their head perish? "Not a hair of your head will perish" is a saying that communicates that no harm will come to you. From this we must infer that in the value system of God, physical death isn't harmful. What an intense concept. You can DIE, and still be "ok". Now this is something I have known for quite a long time and believed. I've seen it. I've seen friends and family die and rested in the knowledge that they are ok. But are those the only 2 options? Does God promise a comfortable life while one lives, and then death? Is there not also the possibility of incredible hardship in between? There must be, for so many have faced horrible lives, and not lost their faith. I spoke with a teenage girl who went to an impoverished country. She believed that despite their great suffering, there was more need here, in these wealthy United States. Her reasoning? Those people had nothing tangible, they lived in shacks, literally starved, and wore shreds of clothing if any. But they had HOPE. In her words, "they knew where they were going". We have so much more tangibly here, but the reality for her was that here there are millions dying without hope for the next world.

All this leads me back to my situation, and the reality that I am being driven to understand. I will be "ok". But that is a tough truth to swallow. Here are my thoughts from an email I sent to some friends a couple days ago, it sums it up well:

"Don't misunderstand me, I know I'll be ok. I also know there is little for anyone to do except say things like "you'll be ok" and "God will provide". The issue of course is that this is God's definition of "ok". People who love God starve, are martyred, go bankrupt, lose their jobs and houses, etc... every day. And they are "ok". Their identity in Christ is secure. The hard part is making your "ok" the same as his "ok". Maybe that's why I have to do this. Frankly after the last couple years of teaching kids about how they need to adopt God's ok vs. theirs, and condemning the American churches idea that God gives us our personal selfish desires when we serve him, I have to actually live the difference I taught. To a degree I always thought that because I lived paycheck to paycheck, had huge student loans, and even carried a little credit card debt, I was there, I was suffering for God, still giving, and proving that I didn't need a savings account, home, or vehicles manufactured in the current millenium. Guess I was wrong. Now, I'm getting there. I'm being taught that. I don't like it. I go back and forth. A massive part of me doesn't want God's "ok". Actually I want it, I just want an earthly "ok" as much or more. Most people I see get both. That's the heart issue I have right now. It's easy to say you want God's ok when you already have your own desires version of "ok" too. Having both rocks. I know, I had both the last 8-9 years or so. I see the people at the church I go to praising God etc... and I don't really care, they mean nothing to me. They are completely set (most are beyond set) in a earthly sense, and so they give God glory for that. Doesn't mean much from my perspective. They're ok by earthly standards, that's clear. They may or may not be ok by Gods standards (no one can know that but you and God). That's the mental and spiritual gymnastics I'm fighting through right now. So I know I'll be "ok". I have a guarantee of that. That means I know I everything I need to, and yet also that I have no guarantees at all from a house/job/family perspective"

And I haven't even mentioned 2 Timothy yet! I've skipped ahead to Chapter 3 which is where so much of this is. 

"10 You, however, have followed my teaching, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness,11 my persecutions and sufferings that happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, and at Lystra—which persecutions I endured; yet from them all the Lord rescued me."

What caught my eye here was the phrase "aim in life". Sometimes seeing the idea of "purpose" worded differently lets you see it again for the first time. Is there any better, more clear way to say that? Aim in life. What you want to accomplish with your life. Boom. That cut me to the heart. All these things I have wanted, that I was hoping for a promise from God to provide, expose my aim in life. It may not be excess, but it was comfort. God, meet my needs comfortably and give me a pain-free existence and then I will wholeheartedly serve you. I really meant that, and I really intended to serve God. But that's according to my terms, and the pages of history are littered with the accounts of well-intentioned fools who set out to please God according to their own plans.

Paul doesn't need to TEACH on living this way. He DEMONSTRATES it. In the passage above he writes that the Lord rescued him from persecution but the truth is that he knows a time will come when a physical earthly rescue will not occur. Similarly to Peter he knew that every arrest could be his last. He lived with no illusion that God has placed a permanent "hedge of protection" around him from a physical standpoint. Indeed Paul knows that this in fact is the end as he writes this very letter. A little later he pens these words:

"6 For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.

There is a certain calmness, a presiding confidence with which true followers of God face the certain reality of their impending earthly death. I've been privileged to observe it on several occasions and I pray that God grants me the opportunity, grace, and strength to display that same attitude for my sons to learn from (I would prefer that opportunity come quite some time from now though). Paul displays this calm confidence here. It is the simple confidence that he is "ok". That was all he needed. Is it so with me?

I nearly ended this here, but the reality that need to be pushed is that there is no middle ground. Two ways to live and all that, you know. There is one alternative. It is spelled out in 2 Timothy 3 in the verses prior to Paul talking about his own aim in life. In fact, he presents himself as an alternative lifestyle to the sinful ones he has just talked about, here is that passage:

"1 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good,4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions,7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith.9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men."

I found pieces of my recent attitudes in more than a dozen of the offenses listed there. I have not been living in some middle ground. I been living with an unholy attitude. I have loved things and comfort more than God. If this change in life has come about to effect a change of my heart, then it is a change that needs to be made. I still hope God uses me to reach the people I was so confident he was calling me to a few months ago. But if I am privileged to do so, I will do so on his terms, according to his will, and in submission to him.

distracted

Geepers. Purpose purpose purpose. Maybe Rick Warren was on to something. How does one find anything different in the opening lines of 2 Timothy 2 though? The challenge is not to find the radical idea of purpose here. It's right there in plain sight smashing me in the face with a sledgehammer. The challenge is to convince myself that even though I "know" the words I'm reading, I don't really know them at all. The challenge is convince myself that this is the call of God on my life and not just another 2 minute blurb in the Daily Bread. It's not a motivational facebook post or an rustic anecdote in the Outdoorsmans Study Bible. It's the inspired call of my God and I fear that he is frustrated with having his cosmic calling minimized and ignored by his people.

"1 You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus,2 and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.3 Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.4 No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.5 An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules.6 It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops.7 Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything."

These words stand alone. They need no added weight from a poor follower of Jesus like me. This is supposed to be a record of my thoughts and discoveries in the Word though, so I need to flesh this out for myself. There are a ton of thoughts on PURPOSE in here. The first one is simple enough. My purpose isn't about me. "what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also."My purpose is the advancement of the kingdom. My purpose is to tell people who will tell people. Period. The primary reason for my existence and my reception of the grace of God is to introduce others to that same grace. How is it that the majority of people can sit in a pew Sunday after Sunday, hear this, and say "amen" when it has been YEARS since they have even attempted to talk about the truth of the Gospel to anyone, if they ever have at all? How is it possible that I can hear that said and not feel that my life is not lived according to the prescribed purpose of my God? If my job is to be a mechanic, and I haven't worked on a car in decades, am I still a mechanic? Even if the answer is yes, you'd be a fool to bring your ride to me. 

If only it stopped there. Since childhood I have had an intense interest in all things military. It led me to even get a four year degree in History (which I am discovering the hard way is of little or no use without the teaching certificate normally attached to it). Anyway, I love that kind of stuff, so while I have never served in the military, I like analogies from it, which is exactly what we get here. Soldiers don't get entangled in civilian affairs. I love that the word entangled is used here. That's exactly how I feel right now. Entangled. You get entangled when you think that a thing is just a small minor thing you can accomplish in your spare time and a week later it has consumed your every waking moment. You realize that there was this one little thing you were going to get done before you accomplished what mattered and then suddenly it's 2 months later and you're in the same place. You got entangled. What happens when 2 months becomes 2 years, or 20? It's a scary thought. I used to love to watch the show The Unit and the soldiers wives on that show constantly quoted a line that basically comes right out of this passage: "A distracted soldier is a dead soldier". They said this when they were having financial problems or some other personal problem but chose not to tell their husband about it while he was deployed. They knew that he needed to focus on being a soldier, not civilian affairs. According to the divinely inspired analogy found here, we're soldiers. Am I even recognizable as a soldier right now? I picture a soldier, engaged in battle with comrades, fighting his heart out. Then I picture a guy sitting home in his pjs eating cereal and watching old war movies. Which one is closer to me spiritually?

Verse 5 makes the scary jump from purpose to reward. Roughly translated, it says "Athletes only get a reward if they compete the way they are instructed to." Now you can read that as a fun little Christian cliche, and skip onto the next chapter in your One Year Bible read-thru, or you can slow down and perform the terrifying act of trying to figure out just what that means. It must mean that there is an intended way (purpose) for us as athletes (followers of Christ) to compete (live out our time on this earth). Okay, now only those who compete (live out our time on this earth) according to the intended way (as laid out by God in his word) will attain the crown (ouch) You tell me what the crown is and how in the world this analogy doesn't leave the whole of Christendom (and first of all me) shaking in fear.

The last analogy is like it. The hard-working farmer should have the first share of the crops. Those who do the work have the reward. This tiny passage lays out our purpose, warns those who don't fulfill it, and then promises a reward to those who do. Now in truth the alarm bells are going off in my head warning me about works and performance based religion as I read this but the last verse gives me all the answer I need. "Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything." That's exactly what I intend to do. Right now. 

my calling and my purpose

This could be a kind of short post. One never knows. I'm starting 2 Timothy today. Reading the background to the book tells me that Paul knows he's a dead man when he writes this. He's in prison, and it doesn't look good. Right off the bat, that gets me excited about this book. I like reality. Death row is reality. The opportunity to read inspired scripture from the pen of Paul in this state is awesome. This is part of what's sad about how we just read little snippets of the Bible without studying it. I bet for most of my life I had no idea of this. I skipped by some stuff that looks like I would just ramble about and found another really simple, yet profoundly stated truth: It's not about me.

"8 Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God,9 who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began,10 and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,11 for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher,

I've always focused on the "not about our works" part of this passage and seen it as proof that works based faith is faulty. But this is about way more than works, this is about life. This about purpose. This is about EVERYTHING. Life-altering, self-killing faith stands on verses like these. Normal American crap Christianity can't handle this concept. It has swept this and other parts of the Gospel like it under the rug for decades. Worse though, many have talked about it, preached on it, mentioned it as normal, but not actually DONE it to the point where now it is normal to state that you hold a belief to be true and yet not have it affect you at all. You get to believe it (and claim it and go to heaven) but YOU still get to do whatever the heck you want somehow. And that's normal for us who were raised under it. No wonder the culture calls us hypocrites.

A simple look at the simple words of this simple introductory passage shows that if this is a "hidden truth" then it is we who have hidden it, because in truth it is clear as day from this passage. I have a "holy calling". Boom, right off the bat I know that can't be about me. It can't have anything to do with me or my plans. If it did, it wouldn't be holy. So from the very start, I crucify my individuality apart from Christ and all its fallen wants and plans. He gives us this calling ... "Because of his own purpose and grace". His grace shows that I don't deserve this calling. It can''t be treated as a bummer; some junk job that an ornery God forces me to perform. I get this calling by his grace. It is a great calling, a calling I would never be able to ascend to on my own merits. It is a privilege. So again, it cannot originate in any way with me. If it could, it would require no grace. This calling also comes to me for HIS purpose. HIS. I am crucified with Christ. My purposes ... gone. This not a sanitized version of my old self that he creates when I come to know him. This is not some behavioral code of ethics that I am to follow during my time on this earth. I will not be judged according to the way in which I lived on this earth as if it were no more than some fake world where God tests my morals to see if I am willing to obey him. I have a purpose to live out here ... and it is His. He planned the purpose, and then he called me to it. And I don't deserve it. And there is no choosing it. When he chose me, I chose it. It would be like a child deciding if they want to open their Christmas presents or not. Of course they do. But what if they had no idea what Christmas was? What if they had never met their parents? What if they didn't know their parents loved them at all? Would they go up to this strange tree and begin to rip apart the wrapped boxes under it with joy, or would they go to the kitchen and have some Cookie Crisp?

We don't know our God well. We don't believe that this life is best. To play an annoying facebook game: Truth is ... we think the presents suck. At best they're boring; they're downright undesireable. At worst they're the mean trick of a manipulative God trying to take our freedom and enslave to his whim. Who would want that? All this because we have believed the traditional generations old lie that you can call yourself a Christian but not know and desire your God deeply. How? How can I read the Bible and see passages like this, written by men in situations like this, and still think I can "follow" God that way? Paul was not that extraordinary. He was calling people to live the same way he did. What was his life like? He died for the purpose. It wasn't about him. From that moment on the road it never was. Here's some more of the passage:

"12 which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.13 Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.14 By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you."

That's all one really needs to read to understand the life of Paul, Timothy and basically all true followers in the early church (and now?). What did this awesome "holy calling" that Paul received by grace and which he viewed as an amazing privilege bring him? SUFFERING. And he wasn't just ok with that. It was his calling. He wasn't choosing between it and some other version. That was simply all it meant to him to follow Jesus. He would die and that was ok because that had no impact on him or on the reality of the goodness of God. Death and suffering weren't unimportant, or meaningless, but they were powerless. That is the difference. Paul never said he didn't suffer. But he does make it clear that his suffering never slowed him one bit. If anything it motivated him. How insane to think that I sit here and think about which parts of my life and my passion that I am willing to give to God. Paul joyously accepted the gracious gift of God... and the suffering that naturally came with it. It was his calling. Period. Is it mine?