my rights

Isaiah 40:27

"27  Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?

 I simply love the ESV translation here! My first thought was "who would have the guts to say that to God!?!? My second thought was "I've felt that way, and if I've felt that way then God has known I have felt that way, so in a sense, I said these things to God. On at least one occasion it was more like I screamed these things at God. "My right is disregarded by my God". What a horrid and amazing statement. It is like one of those scenes in a movie where some poor unknowing simpleton innocently utters some terrifying insult in the presence of some great and powerful ruler and everyone in the room gasps in shock. Who would say such a thing?

As I read this I was expecting a Job moment. I was expecting a royal chewout from God. One of those "I made you, I made everything, I run everything, how dare you question me" type rants. I was expecting a divine explosion. Instead I read this:

"28  Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.29  He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.30  Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;31  but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."

Oh, ok, so that's where that famous passage is. As usual, I had heard those words a hundred thousand times, but those angry accusing words that came right before them... never. I guess you couldn't fit all those verses on Tim Tebow's face anyway. But these two together are so important to me now.  God doesn't always just scream "How dare you! Don't you know who I am?!?" at us, even though that would be just. Sometimes he communicates the same thing, but in a kind way: "Come one, don't you know who I am? Don't you see what is being held out to you? You think I don't see you? You think I deny you your rights? Wake up! I'm the one waiting for you to stop ignoring me! Here's a look at what you're missing out on by being an idiot." There's always a catch. This isn't God's promise to strengthen me so I can get what I want. It is for those who "wait upon the Lord". I'm not even sure what that means. All my study tools are buried in a storage unit somewhere and I miss them a lot. I did find an online lexicon though:

1) to wait, look for, hope, expect

    a) (Qal) waiting (participle)

    b) (Piel)

         1) to wait or look eagerly for

         2) to lie in wait for

         3) to wait for, linger for

New day, same basic application. No qualifying my answer, no excuses, no explanations, just a simple yes or a no. Do those words describe my relationship with God today? This is the door that must be worn down in my heart. Until I can yell yes from my heart with no hesitation I will be less than what he is calling me to be.

back to Isaiah

Well, II Timothy basically wrapped itself up and now I have need to look elsewhere. I remembered that I hadn't finished Isaiah so I decided to take a peek at it to see if I wanted to return. Isaiah 40 was a good read. More importantly I found myself emotionally engaged while reading it. I identified with parts, I reacted negatively, even bordering on challenging God in a couple parts, and I wondered (this is the most important emotion) at my God. I found myself confused by him and I found myself wanting to know him better so that I could understand a chapter like this one.

I like theater and so I am going to go off on a longish analogy here for a second. For me, I think that God has seemed to be a bit like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables. Specifically I mean how he related to Fontaine at the beginning of the story. He is a big important man. He is the mayor, in addition to running a factory. There is a moment where he is there for a fight between a Fontaine and another worker. Valjean leaves the issue to be solved by a subordinate and Fontaine ends up being unjustly fired from her job which sends her into a horrible downward spiral where she finally ends up as a prostitute and then eventually dies from exposure. Valjean reconnects with her toward the end and takes compassion on her. She initially hates him, thinking that it is his fault she has been forced down this path. Once he finds out about her though, he does all he can to take care of her. He loves her. In my own messed up mind I have put God into this sort of place because it allows him to be good and loving, yet not aware of my problems. My job is to somehow find the ear of God. He is distant, he'd help me if he knew what was going on. The truth lies so near the surface it can't be hidden though, and those who read this must by now be getting tired of being a spectator as I learn the same lesson over and over. I could translate my impression of God simply as this: If he knew about where I was and genuinely loved me, he would give me the earthly comfort I desire. Such garbage. When will I begin to live what I have been learning?

This has all come to mind because of Isaiah 40. The picture of God there at first seems contradicting. I read about how God loves, he rescues, he comforts. Then I also read that man is just grass, it withers in a day and is gone. Here are some examples:

"1  Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 2  Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins."

15  Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales; behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust. 16  Lebanon would not suffice for fuel, nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering. 17  All the nations are as nothing before him, they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness."

11  He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

22  It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; 23  who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness. 24  Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth, when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble. 

It seems in some way to be contradictory. Am I a lamb that will be tenderly cared for or a grasshopper that will be annihilated without a second thought? A son, or a "drop from a bucket"? The truth I think lies in the reality of relationship with God. "The Lord knows those who are his." This is what I must live out. This is the truth I must adapt to. If I want to be treated as a son, I must look on him, seek him as a Father. If God has seemed at a distance then I have put him there. My heart is coming to know and understand that a real relationship where I serve my God unquestioningly will result in the death of my will and my planning. I am scared of that. I am resisting that. I desperately want to serve God on my own terms. My first thought as I wrote that was "Basically everyone else gets to!) I cannot use such methods to measure myself. I don't know the hearts of others and even if I were right the truth is that I will stand in the end before God and I doubt that such an excuse would be worth the breath used to utter it. 

I know this God. He is my Savior. He is constantly calling me to a life worth living. He is offering Purpose and Joy. Peace and Contentment. Hope and Love. Regardless of my physical state. In my mind the solutions are earthly. A high end job offer, a check in the mail, a gas well in my back yard. Those are not the solutions of God. They would provide only earthly comfort. They are empty and expose that my heart is still set on self. The truth is that I must desire HIS best. And I must desire to advance HIS kingdom. This is an incredible life change. God is not a distant power unaware of me. I cannot say "if God knew" or "if God understood", because he does. I must change, not God. I must come to know Him. I must come to understand the ramifications of the truth. My life must seek his best. I must become a part of "the Way". For this change is THE CHANGE that made their "way" of living in the early church so different. I am not truly a part of "The Way" at present. At best I am a part of "the belief system". "The Way" sounds better. God continue to soften my heart and bend it to yours.

one big word

Reality is many things. Reality is that I am not going to post much during this season of my life. Reality is that this is for a lot of reasons. Reality is that they are not all legitimate reasons. Reality is that I spend a huge amount of time up at my house working on it. This leaves little time for family and such. Reality is that with my wife teaching she has been using my computer most nights, meaning I cannot post then. Reality is that when I do try to post the pathetically slow rural internet connection can take literally hours to publish, and sometimes not at all or only after repeatedly losing what I have written. Reality is that I likely will never again hold a job where I can spend hours each workday reading and studying my Bible and posting about it. Reality. Reality is also that I am not reading my Bible as much as I need to. Reality is also that I have an ongoing struggle with contentment, sovereignty, prayer, life purpose and a host of other spiritual issues. Reality is many things. Reality though is that God is good.

In Sunday School this past week I had my iPad so I could use the Strong's Concordance app to look up words during church. This may or may not be a good thing. This verse was one that was being discussed:

1 John 3

"19 By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; 20 for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. 21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; 22 and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. 23 And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. 24 Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God, and God in him. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us."

The focus of the lesson was on prayer, but I was seriously hung up on this word translated "confidence". It is translated in different ways in different places in the Bible, and in truth it is used in a lot of different ways. I like words like this when I find them. It means that this is a big word. English doesn't have many words like this. There are four main words that this one can be translated. Confident, Bold, Plain, and  Open. This is a great word. I want to put an example of each one so I can remember how God uses this word in the Bible:

Acts 28:31: "Preaching the kingdom of God, and teaching those things which concern the Lord Jesus Christ, with all confidence, no man forbidding him."

Ephesians 3:12: "In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him."

John 16:25: "These things have I spoken unto you in proverbs: but the time cometh, when I shall no more speak unto you in proverbs, but I shall shew you plainly of the Father."

John 11:54: "Jesus therefore walked no more openly among the Jews; but went thence unto a country near to the wilderness, into a city called Ephraim, and there continued with his disciples."

The hard thing for my monolingual English bred brain to realize is that it is not that this one Greek word can mean four different things. It is that this one Greek word carries one idea that encompasses all four and means them all concurrently. Now that is cool. This is more than a word, it is a state of being. What would it mean to be confident, bold, open, and plain at all times? It would mean to be real. Churchmen use the word "authentic". To know who we are, to be unashamed of it, to not hide it behind an entire vocabulary of of overused cliches and to live that reality openly before the world. That is what this word means. To be real. To make truth your reality.

Historically I have found little of this word in the church as I have known it. I have found only a little of it in myself, and that only recently, and now in the last two months, when pulled from my safe culture, has what small measure I had of it faded? The key phrase is found in the 1 John passage. It says that I will have this word... if my heart doesn't condemn me. My heart. I know from so many past studies what is meant by the heart. It is my innermost part. The part that makes me "me". The seat of the emotions and thoughts. My person. My very identity. If that part doesn't condemn me, then this is a word that will describe my existence. What a challenge. It is hard and to a degree judgmental to state that I believe that the vast majority of those who claim the name of Christ lack this word because they are condemned by an exposition of their hearts. They are about themselves. Whether they serve legalism or materialism, whether they are chained to their hedonistic lust or their ascetic pride, they stand condemned by the fact that their heart is not in line with the heart of the Creator whom they claim to serve. A term I have heard before is "token fealty". Does it describe the average churchgoer? Does it describe me?

Really this is what I have been going over with that "okay" post from a few weeks ago. I could have posted again on it. Since that time I have read lots more of the Word and all I see is men and women who measure happiness and grief, pain and pleasure, success and failure, safety and danger and so much more by the impact it will have on the next world not this one. It is a hard thing to study and leasure yourself against. Paul, on death row, states this:

 "17 But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom" (1 Tim. 4)

What was victory? People heard the gospel. What is rescue and safety? His heavenly kingdom. Death row didn't factor into it. It had no bearing; carried no weight. Because Paul's heart didn't condemn him. It exposed that his entire being, all that he ever would be, was wrapped up in the purpose and glory of God. In fact those were his next words:

"To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen."

After a TINY amount of trial and testing (compared to what so many have gone through and go through now in many places), I am unsatisfied with the condition of my heart. I cannot compare myself to other Christians any longer. If the kid in the desk next to me got a 40 on his test, it doesn't make my 52 look any better. I must ask questions like "What scares me?", "What makes me happy?", What would I need to be content?", or "What would it take for me to die ... confident ... bold ... openly and plainly"? Until the answers to these questions are conformed to the person and will of God, I will remain where I am too much of the time. Doubting, intimidated, anxious, guarded, and private.